Today marks 3 months since I came home from OHSU Hospital. I am amazed I am still alive and grateful to have a second chance for this life.
After going through heart failure, heartbreak and 2 grueling anesthesia hospital procedures, I have embraces this whole process as a spiritual experience. I had to be stellar in controlling my mind and let my heart be in full surrender at the same time. Trusting when I did not feel I could trust.
These past few months has been a shamanic initiation into something that is still formulating….It is about a correlation of our heart connections, to our earth connection and how we humans relate to each other.
My medical journey has left me seeing and feeling deeper now. Our hospitals are full of sick people. We are medicated as a society. It is a huge huge industry. I wish we were building gardens with the same pace as we are building medical facilities.
What i see is, we are desperate to be authentically connected to each other, with physical touch and starving to be close to our mama earth. She has been waiting for her children to remember to return.
From my Heart’s Journey.. I harvest the same core message… Everyone just wants to feel safe to love. Even when we are lashing out or hiding, we just want love. From the moment our mama brings us up to her chest, we want to be love and be loved. I now can sense the obstacles that form shields and masks for some of us. As my own heart has been cracked open forever, I can’t help but see the stories we tell ourselves in my brothers and sisters.
Going through this grueling experience of all my heart has been through has been easy compared to processing abandonment at absolutely the worst time, with still no reconciliation. Probabluy never will be. I have learned to self soothing my broken heart, but I am steadily turning my wounds into medicine and slowly finding forgiveness. In that I found love for my shadow girl. She is still lovable in her pain. What keeps me moving forward is knowing that I am in my deepest healing and when I finally get to the forgiveness I will be granted my greatest gift yet. I am committed to healing my heart. An unbelievable amount of tears has flowed. I have been studying attachment trauma, co-dependency, misogyny, unconditional love and the importance of loving touch as a basic food group for everyone. I have spent many hours praying, breathing, reading, talking, journaling and watching you tube videos on attachment trauma and the autonomic nervous system. My favorite part has been helping others and passing this on.
I have had long hugs with old ladies in the coop. Tears with men I did not know. Tenderness with strangers that I will not forget. In case you did not know, our heart muscle is connected to love and happiness, it has been officially proven! Make it a daily intention. What makes your heart sing? Be uninhibited in expressing compliments to others . Notice what you Love. I personally write in my “gratitude journal” every morning.
